It was not to be.

I guess it was never supposed to be, in retrospect.

Never could have been.

And I was a fool for even dreaming it could have been.

What am I rambling about now?

Erica West.

Was there any bloody hope there?

No.

There was never anything there.

What has happend, you ask? Well, I was with West, Chris, Steph, Justin, Liz, and Drew this afternoon.

On the way to dinner, I disappeared, and went to my room instead.

Later on, I didn't go to JAS (neither did Chris or West). And when I got back to my room, I instant messaged West to aplogize for not showing for dinner.

Read our conversation and tell me what you think:

---------------------

Me: Ah, West, I am sorry I disappeared on the way to dinner

West: Um....it's okay --> wasn't a big deal dude

West: I don't really care if you go do your own thing --> am I suposed to?

Me: Well, I was just worried, that is all.

West: *shrug* dude, what you do is all up to you. I have no worry, or control over that.

Me: I know. .... I just felt like apologizing.

West: *shrug* if that's what you feel like doing....

-----------

Am I just a bloody fool whose emotions mean nothing? Just a fool who means nothing? Is that all I flaming am? Bloody hell no!

Flaming ashes, I am more than that. Flaming HELL I mean more than to be treated like that. FLAMING HELL!

I told Icky of this, and this is what she had to say:

l337 Frag Doll (8:46:32 PM): ...ouch.
l337 Frag Doll (8:46:39 PM): that is rather harsh.
rand21althor (8:46:45 PM): ¬_¬
rand21althor (8:46:50 PM): I NEED TO CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
l337 Frag Doll (8:47:13 PM): and, honestly, I don't think you need to be with someone who would say that

sort of heartless and inconsiderate thing, Mike. Ever.

So.

The pain is threatening to tear me asunder, and silence any hope of a tomorrow.

But, as I have promised Icky, I will not let it destroy me. There is no way I can let that happen.

West. You cannot destroy me. I will overcome this pain within me. I will move in. I will fall out of love with you.

I will no longer consider you a friend, even, because if you can't even see that I care when I talk with you, if you cannot see how fucking caring I am, how good a person I try to be, how pure a person I am, I don't want to know you.

It is over.

And now to fight the pain.


A rather fitting song by the Beatles:

"What Goes On"


What goes on in your heart,
What goes on in your mind?
You are tearing me apart,
When you treat me so unkind,
What goes on in your mind?
The other day I saw you,
As I walked along the road,
But when I saw him with you
I could feel my future fold.
It’s so easy for a girl like you to lie,
Tell my why?
What goes on in your heart,
What goes on in your mind?
You are tearing me apart,
When you treat me so unkind,
What goes on in your mind?
I met you in the morning,
Waiting for the tides of time,
But now the tide is turning,
I can see that I was blind.
It’s so easy for a girl like you to lie,
Tell me why?
What goes on in your heart.
I used to think of no-one else,
But you were just the same,
You didn’t even think of me
As someone with a name,
Did you mean to break my heart and watch me die,
Tell me why?
What goes on in your heart,
What goes on in your mind?
You are tearing me apart,
When you treat me so unkind,
What goes on in your mind?